My rudder is loose.
Not so as to be lost or aimless, simply less firmly on course than usual. The boat is afloat, and there are other boats nearby so I know where I am. Occasionally one will sidle up to me to check on my course, reminding me I am part of a deeply generous community. I see numerous ports and docks shrouded in a filmy mist, visible yet unclear as to which is closest.
Driving my son to the airport at 4:30 a.m. on Saturday, All Hallows’ Eve, also known as All Saints’ Eve the day before All Saints Day, took some more pins out of the rudder‘s shaft. I felt the extraction, embedded nails being eked out of an old board. October 31 is the first day of three days dedicated to remembering the saints, the martyrs, and the faithful departed (the saints are the hallows, an old Scottish word for sacred or saintly, as in hallowed ground.) A shard of my heart walked away from me through the zone 4 door 8 portal into the melee of frenzied travelers and security staff. His tall form, topped with a Dale Earnhardt cap, merged into the bustle as I pulled away from the curb.
Losing my Mom in early September pulled a couple pins out, yet it also put some in place; as at ninety-one, she was ready to go, she passed peacefully, and my hand was on her chest as she took her last breath. There lies another rich story. Her memorial had brought my son, ever so briefly, as his heart steered him to homeport.
When I was on Orcas Island the end of July for StoryFest in East Sound, the expansive view from near the top of Mount Constitution humbled me as I looked into the depthless hues of blue where water merged into islands into horizon into sky. I thought, How have I never seen this before? Or more accurately, How have I looked at such beauty and not seen it‘s magnitude? As I stood there gazing out, I felt part of the horizon, like waking up after a long sleep and looking gratefully at familiar surroundings; wondering how could I navigate amidst all of it and absorb its wonder.
A few days later, my nephew and his remarkable wife, had a birthday celebration for their two youngest kiddoes, who’s birthdays are five days apart. The picnic was at Legion Park, on the bluff overlooking Port Gardner in north Everett. As I walked across the lawn to the great maple tree where the picnic was set up and the barbecue wafted tendrils of sizzling burger smoke toward me, there beyond Jetty Island was that depthless blue. Possession Sound, the Snohomish River delta emptying into Port Gardner, Hat Island, Port Susan, Camano Island, Whidbey Island, and the Saratoga Strait.
The shapeless haze melded it all together. How have I not seen this infinite beauty before? As on Orcas, I felt myself wanting to blend into it, as much a part of the haze as any molecule of moisture composing it. As Rainer Maria Rilke said, “I feel closer to what language can’t reach. With my sense, as with birds, I climb into the windy heaven, out of the oak, and in the ponds broken off from the sky my feeling sinks, as if standing on fishes.”
How do I find my way through the beauty of the world as well as the uncertainty? The structure of my life, established by employer, commitments, and other responsibilities, made steering the boat simple, my hand on the rudder felt confident. Now, important people and things in my life are gone or changed. Fishes have their rudders firmly attached. Lucky them.
Maybe lucky me. Pins can be added, subtracted, altered, replaced, retooled. As can rudders. As can souls. The hallowed path I now walk rises before me, the looseness a new kind of rudder.
Kate Bowditch a.k.a. Grandma's in the House!
November 4, 2015 at 2:16 amYes…the pins…..I lost a life-long friend this year. I had also “lost” another–into a metal institution whose name and location is not given to me by family. I feel that my “tent-pegs” are popping out and the tent is flapping…..much the same metaphore… Thankx for seeing this….Kate
Harpist60
November 4, 2015 at 2:31 amThank you, Kate. Best to you, Mary
Melanie
November 4, 2015 at 2:28 amA very moving and inspiring work…may you continue to evolve both in your writing and life until you realize that the real beauty that surrounds you, is but a reflection of the inner beauty you possess
Harpist60
November 4, 2015 at 2:33 amThank you, Melanie. I’m keepin’ on. Welcome home~
Deanna
November 4, 2015 at 2:49 amBeautifully said,Mary! I’ve been feeling a bit adrift lately,also. Yes, those busy years when their wasn’t a moment for drifting. Now it’s time to get more comfortable with it. Love you,dear!
Harpist60
November 4, 2015 at 5:01 amThank you Deanna. It is a change, isn’t it. Then our family changes-knowing it’s coming is different from when it’s here! love you, too.
Jill
November 4, 2015 at 3:52 amBeautifully stated, Mary. You brought to words thoughts I’ve had many times about the beauty of Pachamama, Mother Earth. Many Blessings.
Harpist60
November 4, 2015 at 5:03 amJill, how nice to hear from you, thank you. Best to you well. Some day we’ll be at the same place at the same time! I will be playing the music at Blue Christmas here in Snohomish on 12/19.
Sandy
November 4, 2015 at 8:59 amHi Mary –
I have had this feeling. When life knocks me off-stride, the natural world heals me. The best medicine ever, eh? I love the way you express it.
Harpist60
November 4, 2015 at 7:42 pmIt’s good to know I’ve got more company, Sandy. Thank you.
Lynda Condon
November 4, 2015 at 5:45 pmOh, Mary, how beautiful! You touched on so many spots that are tender, loved and sometimes feared, but they are all a part of who we are. I think those ‘rudderless’ spots help us to grow, for good or bad, that is our choice. You have chosen the best and continue to look for the beauty and good around you.
Harpist60
November 4, 2015 at 7:44 pmThose choices, eh? Thank you, Lynda. Blessings upon you.
Devin Rice
November 10, 2015 at 5:35 pmVery nicely writ!
Harpist60
November 11, 2015 at 4:11 amWhy thank you, Devin. And thanks for reading.
Barbara Berg
November 20, 2015 at 12:30 amLife, ah, life. How could we not live the tenderness, pain, beauty and the myriad subtleties it offers! A choice to go on dauntless, or an option to recognize it’s flaws!
Harpist60
November 26, 2015 at 3:51 amThank you, Barb. Well said.