Ripples, Lessons, or Both?

Bluebird bike
Bluebird bike
I gave myself permission to buy a bike.
In itself remarkable, as my choice of ultra frugal living these days, a bike is not a necessity. Yet I need exercise. Walking? Naah, too slow.
Yes, there are bikes for sale online. I know nothing about bikes. A friend tells me about a bike shop nearby. When I arrive, I find they don’t sell used ones. Low end new ones are $350. Then of course I need a helmet, tire pump, repair kit, kickstand, plus sales tax, so we are talking close to $500. Nope, not happening.
As I am beginning the trip back home, I hear my phone ding. Of course, I pull over in order to check it, and see Lydia’s text, “I love being divorced.” Oh really? That merited an immediate call. In the course of our conversation, she asked if I’d gone to a local big ‘everything’ store in my bike search. “Why no!” I said, “what a great idea.”

I get in the store, find the bicycles, an employee tells me many of them are on sale. A young couple in their 30’s stroll up. The husband wants a three-wheeled bike with a basket so he can tote groceries and their toddler. While he cute-ifies us riding up and down the aisle, his wife and I examine bikes, their experiences, their opinions on good bikes; a friendly employee comes by and offers to get down the bike that seems the best bet (and it‘s purple!) Another staff member sees it takes four hands to retrieve the bike, and helps him get it down.
After a few minutes of picking out a helmet, seat cover, bike bag, and a tire pump, I take them over to the counter, and come back for the bike. As I roll it up, and look around for a clerk, a man looks at me from the aisle at the end of the glass counter, which is a handgun case, about ten feet from me.
“Are you going to buy that bike?”
With a big smile, I nod.
“May I tell you about that bike? I repair and rebuild bikes.”
“Sure.”
He walks over to me, mid-thirties or so, curly dark hair, caucasian, slightly heavy-set, about eight inches taller than me. He points to the word typed on a clear sticker in black capital letters, FRONT. “See that? It’s because these bikes arrive mostly unassembled. Most of these bikes are pretty good bikes, yet the bikes, and barbecues, are assembled by guys who go from store to store doing that. They have ten minutes per unit. They are rarely bike mechanics. They are assemblers. See right here? This part is on backwards. Here, look at the calipers.”
He closes his hands into fists on the brake handles. “I am squeezing them full on. See, the calipers are not tight on the bike tire.”
“Are you my bike guardian angel?”
“Nope, bikes are how I make my living.”
Moving his hands off the handlebars, he steps back and nudges the derailleur, it wiggles. “This should not be moving like this, even though the unit is a good one. So, if you decide to buy this bike, you’ll need to take it into a bike shop and have it tuned up and some of it re-assembled correctly.”

Oh my.
Not only would I have bought this bike, I would have ridden it with these problems, having no idea that I was making them worse by riding it.
I introduce myself and ask his name.
“Paul.”
People coming out of nowhere to help me: Lydia happy to be divorced, the young man at the bike shop, the young couple, the helpful staff. Then Paul. All moving me forward.
Amazing. When others act in our lives. Assuredly, people have moved in my life, and moved me, whether I wanted to or not. It has been in the last year where I actively recognized where my actions ripple in others’ lives. That is almost a “Duh!” moment as I was a counselor for decades. However, that was my job, which means that I saw some of my impact on others but did not see it on the personal level that I have now begun to.

A real estate deal I was working on last year: it did not pan out to my benefit. I did a ton of work for the owners of the house, nearly all of it they did not know to do (getting an easement which had been erroneously placed on the property removed, a wetland expert out to examine the property; believe me, the list goes on.) In part due to my work, they eventually sold the property for more than they expected, and in part as I stirred the waters to get interest in the property.
Giving a lady who stopped me in the parking lot directions to the highway last week, so she in turn arrived at her destination where people were waiting for her so they could go on with their plans. Leaving an extra copy of the local newspaper for my neighbor, who reads it, talks with a friend, who then takes some action. The dominoes falling once set in motion. And most of the effects, I wouldn’t be able to imagine, for they happen outside my vision and awareness. (As well they should, I have enough trouble getting to sleep as it is.)
So, after owning my new sapphire blue bike a couple weeks, I get on it, helmet securely fastened, and launch out of my driveway. On to a street! I had up to this point only ridden on the paved trail for bikers and walkers.
As I get maybe twenty feet down the street, my seat tips forwards. Stop. Readjust it. Try again. Now I can’t get my foot onto the pedal fast enough, and have to keep restarting. Okay, wobbling forward movement. Seat tips again. Sheesh. I stop and readjust it. Knowing I have to go into the bike shop the next day, I realize this is too dicey an arrangement to ride in the big show: moving cars, 4 x 4‘s, and mini-vans. Before I reach the stoplight, I turn around to head home. As I veer left to get up onto the sidewalk, unable to turn and use the handbrakes at the same time, I nearly slam into my neighbor’s fence, and have to stop with my feet.

Okay, that’s the last straw. I dismount and walk the remaining few feet to my driveway. In years past, I would have been embarrassed.
Instead, the best supervisor I ever had’s adage came back to me, “If you can’t do it right, at least be a lesson.”
Ah, those ripples.

Texts and Tornadoes

Michael & Slade 10-29-15
Michael & Slade 10-29-15

“I love you, momma!” The text arrived at 7:30 on Wednesday evening from my son, Michael. In itself, not unusual. Yet, it was out of our regular pattern. A typical text from him was a picture of the St. Louis arch, or “Hi mom, in Arkansas,” or just a “Hi momma.” And those were generally in response to a text I sent initiating the conversation. Was his intuition perking up, as his face had come to my mind a couple times in the previous hour.
I sent a text back, “Glad to hear that. I was just thinking about you.” No response from him. Also, not unusual. As a long distance truck driver in the mid-West, I never know where he is until I hear from him. And many have been the times on the road when he could not answer me right away.

The next morning, Michael called me as he was unloading the truck at one of the retail bargain stores on his route. “That text last night might have been my last words to you, Mom. I was stuck in a tornado, worst one I’ve been in. Didn’t know if I was going to live through it.”

What? What?

“I texted you and Dorothy, in case I didn’t make it. I wanted you to know I loved you.”
My face froze, my body felt weightless, I felt a veil close around my arms and legs like sleeves.

The voice that spoke was mine, however it surprised me with its calm, even tone.
“Really, Michael. Where were you?”
“In Canton, Missouri. When the hail started, I knew this was it, Mom. The hail stones were as big as ping pong balls.”
“What did you do? Was there a storm cellar?”
“Nope. The employees and I huddled in the little women’s bathroom, one stall and the sink. Even inside the building, the tornado sounded like a stampede of boulders rolling down a hill.”

As I sat, so still, looking out my living room window at the acre of lawn in the park edged with hundred foot tall cottonwoods, I tried to grasp the enormity of what he was telling me and not panic, as I could hear Michael talking to me, and to others as he unloaded the roller carts from the trailer. He was out of danger – he was alive, safe, and on the job.

My job at that moment was containing myself. I was in disbelief, that ever-practical Michael, having recounted being run into by drunk drivers, his truck jack-knifing in a wind on an icey highway, being rammed by an oncoming eighteen wheeler when that driver lost control in a storm, and the list goes on, had been afraid he might die.
Living a sane life has required that I disconnect myself from the reality of the dangers Michael faces every time he gets on the road. I have programmed myself to believe that no news is good news.
I know, I know, I raised my children to have wings not strings.

This same disconnect has other useful applications: do we get on a plane, buckle our seatbelt and say, “I bet this baby is gonna crash.” I think not.

One of the magical powers I have wished for was a protective bubble around those I love. Actually, there have probably only been two powers I’ve wished for. When I’d heard others wish they could fly, or be invisible, or read other people’s thoughts, I didn’t relate to that. Until the prevalence of cell phones, I had abandoned wishing for magical powers.
When I see someone using their cell phone while driving, all I’ll have to do is blink and their phone battery will instantly die. The next time they turn the phone on after re-charging, it will say, accompanied by a tornado siren, “If you ever talk on the phone again, much less text, while driving, this phone and any other phone you will ever have, will implode.”
I’m not asking for much. Consideration and attention to safety.

My friend Char does have an amazing power: when her car alarm goes off, it sets off all the others in a stone’s throw radius. A symphony of protection.

So my protective bubble power must have been working, even six states and two thousand miles away. I’ll keep working on the other one.

Best of 2016 !

Thumbtack.com, a go-to site for services of all kinds, including storytellers, musicians, and MC’s, had the excellent discernment to recognize me as an award-winner!

Just as we get ready for the amazing performance of “The Wonder Smith and His Son,” written by Ella Young. This epic telling is the vision of Allison Cox, and sponsored by the Seattle Storytelling Guild. Scads of storytellers, each telling their version of a chapter, and assorted musicians, including myself!
Where: George Center for Community, 2212 NE 125th St., Seattle 98125 (just a couple blocks up from Lake City Way)
When: Saturday, March 19, 2016
Time: 7 – 10 p.m., with an intermission
Suggested Donation:$5 Guild members, $8 non-members, $12 families

Can’t Be Won, Just Played

Buchart Gardens - photo by Mary Dessein
Buchart Gardens – photo by Mary Dessein

How would you like to have Jack Lemmon telling you a story? A doozy of a story at that? A Steven Pressfield story.

“It’s a game that can’t be won, only played.”

Jack’s seventy-six year old voice, filled with wisdom and humor, recounting the lessons he’d learned about dignity, the appearance of it, and which of those two actually has value; the lessons he learned watching a man not only look for his authenticity, but to regain belief that such a thing exists. Jack’s voice resonating with a kindness and acceptance that only comes with facing fears over and over, surviving losses over and over, and then standing back up in order to keep on walking.

To find one’s authenticity in part requires that you get out of the way and let it surface. Robert Fulghum wrote about the time he saw a bumper sticker, “Don’t believe everything you think,” which set him off on a creative, introspective tangent about the truth in that statement as he reviewed his life.

I can relate. Times my brain told me to do one thing, seemingly logical and allegedly most efficient, while my authentic self, call it intuition or gut feeling, urged me to do something else. It seemed safer to believe what I thought rather than what I felt.
A significant factor, beyond my perception then, was that my brain is in cahoots with my ego. Of course, I did what my brain told me. I believed it. Was it that I wanted to look smart, appear competent, or to be right? Surely part of the equation. Just as surely, I got in my own way and had no clue I was the impediment, the derailer, the creator of the negative result, not random chance or bad luck.

True self versus ego, eh? Thinking my way through my out-of-balance checkbook register works well. Thinking my way through the conundrum of how to respond to a colleague’s ongoing rudeness or to a friend’s loss of a parent, not so much.

Jack, as his character Hardy Greaves, recalls the conversation six decades before between Rannulph Junuh and Bagger Vance.
“You don’t understand,” Junuh spouted back to Bagger’s advice.
“I don’t need to understand. Ain’t a soul who ain’t got a burden to carry he don’t understand. You ain’t alone in that.”

He responded, “I don’t need to understand,” because he understood a bigger, all encompassing truth?

Being told, “You don’t understand,” has shut the door on many things in my life, as I believed that a high level of understanding was the pivot that mattered. Assuredly, sometimes it does. Yet we come across the bigger truths which “You don’t understand” keeps us from seeing when we are locked in the belief that we are alone. The mistaken belief that our individual circumstances, feelings, fears, sorrows, mistakes, tragedies have to be understood exactly. That they have to be experienced by someone else so they know what we’re going through.

What difference might that realization have made when as an alcohol and other drug counselor, clients said to me, and to other counselors, “You have to be an addict to be able to help me.” Their idea that they were special and therefore alone? There is a phrase for that, ‘terminal uniqueness.’ I remember one lanky sixteen year old in particular, ambling up to me after I had spoken to a group of high schoolers about drug abuse, with his baseball cap pulled low over his face, sporting a whisper of a wannabe mustache, long arms dangling out of his off-white denim jacket, and stating it as if this were E = MC squared, he said, “You can’t help me unless you’re in recovery.” Did that allow him to keep using because no one was qualified to help him? A whole ‘nother discussion.

Over time, without divulging my personal history as that was a clear professional boundary, my response became, “Why is that? We don’t require gynecologists to be female, marriage counselors to be divorced, oncologists to have cancer, or judges to have been incarcerated. Why does a drug counselor have to have been addicted?” Sometimes, they would stop and go, “Oh.” Other times, they blew me off with the classic, “You don’t understand,” alas, shutting their door to the invite of change.

What a concept: I don’t have to understand your exact experience and feelings to be here with you, recognize what you’re going through, and support you.
You don’t have to understand my exact experience and feelings to be here with me, recognize what I’m going through, and support me.

“Time for you to choose.”
“I can’t,” Junuh shook his head at Bagger.
“You can. You ain’t alone. I’m right here with you. I been here all along. Now play the game.”

You are not alone.
Neither am I. If I am silent and still, my authentic self will speak, whether quietly or with a charge of adrenaline.

“It’s a game that can’t be won, only played. So I play.”
Thank you, Steven.

Three Choices

Washington Pass Overlook  photo by Mary Dessein
Washington Pass Overlook photo by Mary Dessein

“See this guy here? That’s the toughest opponent you‘re ever gonna have to face,” Rocky said to Donny, the young wannabe boxer with potential as they looked in the mirror. “When he takes a swing at you, you have three choices: block it, flip it, or get out of the way.”
Persistence. Tenacity. Fear. Commitment. Focus. Focus to the tenth power focus, near to obsession. Possibly it is obsession – it gets the job done.

Tenacity and commitment have big pay-offs: accomplishment, goals met, internal satisfaction. And progress.

Joseph Campbell, ancient Greeks, Amelia Earhart, Charles Haanel, Napoleon Hill, Lady Gaga, and countless others have spoken about pursue your passion till you drop. Then they walked their talk.
Watching Donny run miles, charge up flights of stairs, do hundreds of push-ups, jump rope until he can barely stand up boggled my mind. Yes, people do have that drive, have that intensity, have that clear determination. And it always gets results.

Steven Pressfield talks about how distractions get us away from our calling or our creativity, whatever that might be. Sometimes those distractions can be so cleverly disguised I don’t recognize them: obligations, skill at my day job, perhaps even prestige. So I procrastinate in following my passion, my internal voice. It’s a legitimate delay, right? I’m so good at my job, I can write later on. Underneath that deception, if I look, I’ve agreed it’s better to assuage my uncertain ego and fears, than heed my soul calling.

In a heated moment in the movie, ‘Creed,’ Rocky asks Donny what he’s trying to prove.
“That I’m not a mistake.”

Damn. That hits home. So many of us spending our lives unconsciously trying to prove to the world that we are valuable and worthwhile. I sure have. Yet, it is really ourselves, that familiar face looking back at us in the mirror, that we are trying so hard to prove our value to.
And such a contradiction, as the best way to prove it is to follow our heart’s calling. Live our dream and quit listening to the procrastinator and critic in our head that doubts everything we ever do. Block it.

“Be a good girl. Don’t upset people. Don’t talk back. Do as you’re told. People have to like you. Always respect and never question authority. You have to work hard and show people you’re worthwhile. Intuition is nonsense. Always take care of others; never think of what you need because that’s selfish. Never call attention to yourself and your accomplishments or you‘ll be conceited.”
Any of those sound familiar? One that came to me subliminally as I sure don’t remember hearing this from either of my parents, yet I got it loud and clear, and mercy sakes, has it ever caused me trouble, “Never say no to a man.” Oh my goodness. In thinking about that, I am wondering if I learned that or “Always say yes to a man.” Subtle differences. I suspect it is linked to “Don’t question authority.”

Have you ever been with someone and your insides feel seasick as they insist, “No! No!” yet you get in that person’s car, go to their house, or some other directive that so does not benefit you?
All those mandates issued in my childhood were meant to shape me into a good person and strengthen me for an independent life out in the world, not cripple me. Time to flip them, turn them into something useful to me. “Respect authority that respects me.” “Take care of myself as well as take care of others.” “Work hard yet make sure it is work that serves me.” “Keep myself in balance so I know when to blow my own horn and when to be still.”

Intuition. Fascinating, when in my forties, I realized those gut feelings were always right. My intuition is a meter indicating “Caution. Something’s wrong here. Stop.” It can be small things such as that word feels wrong in that sentence to some activity I had best not do. It is never wrong. Anytime I feel ambivalence or hesitation, my intuition is trying to get my attention.

So then, when to get out of the way. The people I cannot change upset me only if I allow it. Oh yeah, do they ever twist around in my thoughts when I perceive I have been hurt, misunderstood, or discounted. If they’re not paying rent, I need to get them out of my head. When there are people and things I cannot change that can harm me, it is my job to move. Okay, that counts for the ones that can drive me crazy, too. I often have to issue eviction notices many times. It’s not the tenants in my head that won’t leave, it’s me yanking on their coattails, reiterating how they’ve wronged me.

My first choice must be to focus. When I was in college, in my forties, college was my focus. My entire life shifted to accommodate the requirements of classes and study and to facilitate my success. Shazaam, it worked. Persistence. Tenacity. Fear. Commitment. Focus.
When I was swimming four and a half miles a week, yee gods, I rocked. It was persistence, tenacity and commitment. How did those remarkable traits fall away?

For that answer, once again, am I looking in the mirror at my toughest opponent?